Love, pain and other stupid excuses for emotions
by she-who-can't-be-named-online
Summary: Severus has just lost Lily Evans, forever. He then decides that he will do anything to protect her, even if it cost his own life. This Fanfic follows Severus' life from when he calls Lily 'that', by the black lake in 5th year.
1. Chapter 1: A Pensive Severus

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**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or anything you recognise.**

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Chapter One: A Pensive Severus

'Good Bye Severus,' Lily turned her back on him, she sighed and climbed back through the portrait hole. The click of the portrait closing, told Severus he was alone. He sunk to the ground. How could things of gone so wrong? What had he done to turn beautiful, kind Lily Evans against him? Of course, he new the answer to that, Snape thought bitterly. The Dark Lord... He had chosen the dark path over the light one Lily had shown him. Severus sighed, closing his tired, black eyes.

He wasn't sure how long he had sat there, crouched uncomfortably against the wall, or when he had come to this conclusion. However it was clear to him now, he may have lost Lily's trust and friendship, he may have hurt her by calling her a mud- that, but never again would he harm her... let anyone harm her. It was clear to him now, his path in life... he would protect Lily's life with his own, protect her from right underneath the nose of the Dark Lord.

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Severus must have fallen asleep, because he found himself being shaken, none to kindly, awake by Lily's best friend, Alice Prewett.  
'Leave now Snape, and stay away from her, you've done enough damage already.' Severus nodded, and climbed to his feet. She was right, now was not the time to try and talk to Lily again. Once Alice had disappeared into the common room, he turned around and started to way towards the dungeons. Alice wasn't like Lily's other friends, McKinnon and Jones; she had been willing to be civil towards Severus and had tried to see the good in him like Lily had.

How could he have messed up so badly? He wanted to believe, that one stupid word had done this and they could go back to being friends. But he and Lily had been drifting apart for ages, and then Lily had found him talking to Malfoy and Avery about joining him... Voldemort, he forced himself to think the name. She had given him one more chance to change and they went back to being friends. It wasn't the same though, they each had different friends now, and she didn't approve of his. Then yesterday, by saying that forbidden word, he had broken the last thread holding them together.

Severus muttered the password and climbed in to the common room. He spotted Lucius Malfoy lounging across one of the largest chairs. The candle light making his high cheek-boned face appear waxy and dull.

'Ah, Snape, we were wondering where you had gotten to,' Malfoy drawled, a few of the other Slytherins situated around the fire looked up lazily. 'Had us worried for a little while, thought you were off with the mudblood,' Severus filched at the name; Malfoy didn't seem to notice anything though. 'You weren't with her, were you?' Maybe Malfoy had seen him flinch; Malfoy's face mirrored one of disgust.

'No – er – ofcourse not, no I definitely wasn't with the – ah – mudblood,' Severus tried to cover the hurt in his voice with a sneer.

'Well come and sit down, why don't you tell us all about the "incident" by the lake?' Malfoy asked, gesturing to the seat next to him. Some of the others Slytherins snickered, the younger ones, giving Malfoy their full attention. 'Though in all seriousness, it's good to see you've finally gotten over that little _mudblood crush _of yours,' Malfoy spat. Severus just nodded his head, gazing deep into the fire. 'We wouldn't want another bloodtrator would we?' Malfoy added as an after thought, his voice still harsh and arrogant. Severus composed his face into an emotionless mask and looked back at Malfoy.

'Definitely not Malfoy, I can't believe you would think so low of me.'

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**She-who-can't-be-named-online**


	2. Chapter 2: An Angry Severus

**Disclaimer: J. K. Rowling built the piano; I'm merely**** playing the keys.**

**For Issy**

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Chapter 2: An Angry Severus

The day passed slowly for Severus. He had endured more questioning about yesterday, however no one, except Malfoy, seemed completely concerned and even Severus could see through Malfoy's act, Malfoy only cared about keeping wizard blood pure. Severus reviled the day that Malfoy found out that his blood wasn't as pure as Severus told everyone. What would he say when he found Severus had a muggle father. Finally having enough of being questioned, Severus snuck out of the common, leaving Malfoy and his fellow Slytherins, still lounging around the fire.

The castle was empty as he slouched down to have a late breakfast, most students were out enjoying the last few sunny days, before winter grasped Hogwarts in it icy hand. The great hall was just as deserted, with the exception of a few students and a teacher he couldn't remember the name of. Severus helped himself to some bacon and began to eat in silence.

He wondered where Lily might be now. Would she be with her Gryffindor friends? Maybe studying? _Or shouting at Potter?_ Severus liked the sound of the third option; at least Lily's feelings hadn't changed towards Potter. As long as Lily continued to see Potter for what he really was, then Severus would be able to handle not being her friend anymore. As long as Potter didn't replace him.

His thoughts were shattered, much like the goblet of pumpkin juice he had just poured for himself, as a familiar owl screeched to a halt in front of him. He took a few seconds to observe the owl and handwriting on the front of the envelope, before turning away, disgusted.

_Of course._

The only time his mother would write to him, was to congratulate him on finally living up to the Prince's pureblood name. He stood abruptly, showering the owl with shards of glass from the smashed goblet. Severus suddenly had no appitite. He snatched up the letter and stormed out of the great hall. He stalked towards the dungeons, scowling as he looked out the window to see students laughing and running around. He shook his head at their stupidity, did they not know what was coming for them. He stopped his thoughts right there, he would not think about what would happen after he finished school, when he joined the Dark Lord. Instead he chose a different direction to lead his thoughts. _Potter._ He couldn't see him outside, maybe the toe-rag had final had some sense drummed into him. Maybe, the insufferble Gryffindor was hiding, scared as to what he, Severus, would do when he found him. It was so easy to blame Potter for what had happened yesterday.

Severus took a few deep breaths to calm himself. No. He would not go picking fights that would end with him getting hurt. That wasn't the Slytherin way. He scoffed. Potter could be in Slytherin with the amount of courage he had, always using Black, Pettigrew and the werewolf, to fight his battles.

'Hey Sirius, look who it is... Snivellus.' Snape could recognize that voice anywhere. He felt anger flare to his defense.

His only defense against these arrogant Gryffindors.

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**She-who-can't-be-named-online**


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